How to be there for a friend struggling with loneliness

Look out for your mates this Valentine's Day

The greatest threat to our generation right now is loneliness.

So much of our world pushes us toward isolation – dating apps replacing human connection, algorithms keeping us on our phones, and yet we keep ducking and weaving our CEO’s request to return to work.

Recently, I’ve had a number of mates open up to me about their loneliness, and in that moment, I never know the right thing to say.

I’ll blurt out things like, “Learn to love your own company,” or “Being single is a lot of fun, enjoy it,” or “Let’s go out more, I’ll be your wingman!”

But I watch their faces sink every time as if I suggested getting a cat.

Here is a friend who trusts me enough to share their vulnerability, and all I can offer is an unhelpful cliché or a casual, “Let me help you get laid,” — Not that loneliness is exclusively for singles.

I grew tired of saying the wrong thing. I’m not a qualified counsellor or psychologist, but I like to think I’m a good friend.

So I reached out to my Dad, who used to work as a crisis counsellor for Lifeline, and I asked him:

“How can I best be there for someone who tells me they’re lonely?”

His answer? Gift them your time and your willingness to listen – and, where appropriate, talk.

Ask them things like, “What’s your gut feeling about where to go from here?” … What do you think needs to happen for you to be happy?"

But if and when you open your mouth, resist that enticing tendency we have to hijack the conversation with your own stories.

And most importantly, don’t try and fix it.

Gus Worland, founder of Gotcha 4 Life – a not-for-profit dedicated to building a mentally fit future – supports this approach. In a chat on the Life Uncut podcast, he emphasised that if someone is brave enough to tell you how they feel, you should simply listen and resist the urge to solve their problems. Instead say:

“Thank you so much for telling me. You’re not worrying alone anymore. Now we’re a team, and we’re going to work this stuff out together.”

Loneliness takes a heavy toll when we suffer in silence. Worrying alone rarely leads to good outcomes. Sometimes, just knowing there’s another person you can turn to can relieve that burden in a big way.

What if it’s more serious?

If the situation feels like a medical emergency – especially if someone expresses suicidal thoughts – get professional help right away.

We tend to associate medical emergencies with blood, broken bones and Grey’s Anatomy, not mental distress, but mental health crises can be just as urgent. According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, suicide is the leading cause of death among Australians aged 15-44, and men account for about 75% of those deaths.

So, if a friend admits to having suicidal thoughts, encourage them to seek immediate help. Suggest taking them to a hospital or sitting with them as they call an emergency line.

On the other hand, if they’re “just” feeling anxious or depressed, the next step is a visit to the GP for a mental health plan and counselling, or possibly medication.

Worland says, offer to go with them – if you can. Take the day off and sit in the waiting room and go out for lunch together after. That first appointment can be terrifying, and people often bail at the last minute. Your presence alone can mean everything.

Ultimately, helping someone through loneliness or a mental health crisis is a journey – but it’s one that they shouldn’t have to take alone.

By being that person in their corner, you become living proof that we’re never truly by ourselves in this world.

And that knowledge might just save a life.

If you need help or are worried about someone please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.